


black sheep

by pheonixgt



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, AU, Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Drug Use, Family, Friendship, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-05 14:22:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14620536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pheonixgt/pseuds/pheonixgt
Summary: five times troy and nick were acquaintances, and one time they were friends.[fic spans one year]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> can't focus on my other stories cause nick's on my mind. poor, sweet kid. loved him so much, i can't believe what happened. but like, idk, haven't been confident with writing anyways, lately, so this is kind of just.. meh.

He’s only twenty minutes late, and slightly panting as he reaches the doors. For him, this is an achievement. Usually it might take hours, or maybe he wouldn’t bother showing at all, but today was a special day. Maybe not too special for him, but for Alicia, who had specifically requested him being there. It wasn’t every day his little sister got engaged.

It was curious she even wanted him there. The past years they hadn’t been very close, her busy with school, with her job, and him… busy getting by day by day. And he hadn’t met the guy before, had never asked or even talked about him with her, even though they’d been dating for about eight months. Nick had long assumed his sister had neglected to mention she had a brother, that Madison had a son, that they were the perfect little family of three, without any sign of abnormality.

Nick was used to being the blight of their existences, and was even more used to being reminded of it.

But she’d invited him, and it was a pleasing shock, the first real bit of happiness he’d felt in a while. So, he’d borrowed a suit from Calvin, had even thought to wear dress shoes, and he was feeling good. It could’ve been the pills, but no, no, that didn’t seem right. He was happy for Alicia – as much as he sometimes resented her, as much as they sometimes didn’t get along – he was happy his little sister was doing some good with her life.

Nick steps through the doors and takes a lung full of cool, pleasant air, momentarily distracted from the scent of seasoned meat and frying vegetables. It’d been a minute since he’d had a decent meal and this – oh _god_ , too bad Gloria wasn’t here. He’d save some from his plate and take it back to her. Even though it felt like he was starving, it’d be worth the smile she’d give him.

“Uh, hello. I’m with the Clark’s?” Nick asked. The older woman eyed his hair, his slightly baggy dress jacket, and frowned.

She said nothing though, looking down at her computer and letting him stand in silence. He slipped his hands in his pockets and waited, glancing around. The place wasn’t that crowded, and the majority of couples were older people wearing fancy clothes. He didn’t see his family anywhere.

“Nick?” The woman asked, scanning him once again.

“Yes, ma’am.” He said. “My sister’s getting married.”

His smile made her lips pull up too, and his grin widened. Suddenly in a better mood, the woman nodded to herself and grabbed a menu, leading him away from the dining area.

“Your family rented out one of the rooms. It’ll just be back here.” She said, and Nick followed, absentmindedly scrubbing a hand through his hair. How long had he not seen them? Well, he hadn’t seen his mother in a few weeks, but Alicia and Travis? A few months, maybe. He couldn’t remember.

The woman opens a door and there they are. His attention is pinned on both his mother and sister immediately, who look very beautiful. Alicia looked like one of those old starlets, with loosely curled hair and red lipstick, and wearing a dress that matched the color staining her lips. And his mother – happier than he’d seen her in recent times, dressed in a pale blue dress, eyes shining brilliantly under the lights.

They turn to look at him when he enters, and he smiles, feeling it take up most of his face. His mother stands and makes her way over to him, wrapping him in her arms.

“Oh honey, you’re wearing a _suit_.” She says, stepping back to scan him over. “I don’t think I’ve seen you in a suit since you were ten years old.”

“Yeah.” Nick messed with one of the cuffs, suddenly awkward. “Calvin let me borrow it.”

“Well, it looks nice. You look good.” She said, grinning at him, a glimmer to her eyes. “Come sit.”

Before he tries to find his chair, he makes way for Alicia and presses a kiss to her cheek, “As beautiful as ever, I see.”

“I thought you weren’t going to come.” She told him, almost sounding wondering. He wants to feel insulted, but he knows that she’d be in the right to assume that. He hasn’t exactly been the most present figure in her life.

“Course I came.” Nick mussed her hair and snorted when she slapped his hands away, but she was smiling, so it was all in good play. “Not every day my little sister’s getting married.”

His eyes trailed to the person sitting next to her – Jake, that was his name – and the man was staring at him guardedly, assessing.

“You must be the man. Gotta say, didn’t expect you to be so old.” He said.

“Nick!” Alicia sputtered. She'd beaten their mother to it, if her open mouth was any indicator.

Nick raised his hands a little, wandering to his seat. He repressed a frown, unhappy that he’d been seated next to Travis and some stranger he didn’t know, “Nothing wrong with it. Older company is the best company, if you know what I mean.”

Alicia’s face was turning red, either from embarrassment or anger, he didn’t know.

“Just kidding.” He said anyways, pulling out his chair. He sat and made himself comfortable, before looking over at the curly-headed guy next to him.

“Nick, Troy. He’s Jake’s brother.” Alicia introduced, clearing her throat. She nodded to the older man, who sat in between his sons. “And Mr. Otto – “

“Jeremiah.” He corrected, smiling toothily. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

Alicia shook her head. “Sorry.”

“Nice to meet you all.” Nick said, going for polite. They seemed like a normal family, just as how Alicia and their mother and Travis were.

“You as well.” Jeremiah said, taking a sip of his wine. “Finally have a picture to put with all the stories we’ve heard.”

“Stories?” Nick asked, startled. “Good ones, I hope.”

Jake opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but Alicia saw it too, and placed a casual hand on his arm. He stayed silent.

Jeremiah gave a giggling laugh, “Of course.”

“We were just talking about the wedding.” Alicia said, redirecting their conversation. “It’s going to be at the end of September.”

“Oh, cool, cool. Only a few months.” Nick commented. “I thought weddings took longer to plan.”

“Well, we’re not really doing anything _too_ fancy.” She shrugged, and looked at her fiancé with eyes full of fondness. Nick tried not to grimace at it, because, after all, his sister was a _woman_ now, but… He scowled anyways. “We’d do it sooner, but mom wants to plan it properly.”

“Well, we need to pick out bridesmaid’s dresses, the color combinations, we need to find a new place since the Church is already reserved –“ As their mother went on, Jeremiah and Jake both added what they needed to do, what they needed to get, and it went on like that. Nick’s attention meandered to Travis, who had caught his eye on accident.

“How are you doing, Nick?” The man asked, brown eyes steady and kind, but all wrong. 

“Good.” Nick nodded, stiffly. _Don’t ignore him. Don’t be rude. Don’t make things uncomfortable._ “Got a job with Calvin.”

“That’s what your mother said.” Travis smiled amicably. “You liking it?”

Nick shrugged. “It’s just cleaning offices at night. Nothing great or anything.”

“Well, we all start from somewhere. It’s good to have a job, sets a routine for the day and makes you feel more accomplished. More adult.” By the way he was saying it, Travis didn’t _seem_ to mean to come across as condescending, but that was how Nick saw it. _More adult_. _More accomplished_. Nick could only stare at him, wanting to correct him, to dash these unfitting assumptions. He hadn’t gotten a fucking job to feel more successful, he’d gotten it so that he’d actually have the money to buy his shit. He couldn’t very well steal from his mom and sister for the rest of his life. “What about Gloria?”

Uncomfortable, Nick shrugged again. “Good.”

“Staying out of trouble?” Travis insisted, like he had _every_ right. Honestly, who did he think he was? All of these questions, concerns... As much as he liked to act like it, he wasn’t Nick’s father, and he wasn’t Alicia’s. He was no one, just some man their mother had married.

“Could rent out a garden…” Jeremiah suggested, but Nick continued to look at Travis.

“That’s none of your business.” Nick muttered warningly, turning away, signaling that the conversation was over. The pills in his system had since disappeared, and for a half an hour he sat in silence, listening to the conversation around him with one ear. Everyone was talking about the wedding, talking about where they were going to live afterwards. The following year they planned on moving out of their apartment and onto a ranch, which Nick thought was kind of hilarious. He tried to imagine Alicia in a straw hat, tending to the cattle, and failed.

Their food arrived – he hadn’t ordered? – but he soon realized his mom had done it for him, when he caught her sending him a smile. It looked like something out of a dream, steak and mashed potatoes and vegetables. He asked for a glass of wine before the waiter could leave, and started to eat. He made sure to do it slow, so that he’d be fuller faster. He wanted to take some back to Gloria, who had barely eaten anything the last few days. She’d enjoy this.

When his wine came, he glanced at his family casually, pleased when they weren’t paying him any attention. Slipping a hand into his pocket, he pulled out two white pills and washed them down with a generous gulp of wine.

“Oh, geez. Easy there.” A voice muttered to his right. Nick momentarily startled, coughing, and waved away Travis when he went to pat his back. He looked at the man next to him – the one who’d barely said a word the entire dinner, Nick only just now realized. The guy was eating, observing him with too-blue eyes. He seemed wary.

Nick glanced at Alicia again, and she was smiling at Jake, the most joyous he could ever remember her being since they were kids.

“I’m not going to say anything.” Troy said noncommittally, taking a large bite of his steak. He was still eyeing him, considering.

“Good.” Is all he said, thoroughly unsettled. Later he’d probably tell Jake, and then Jake would tell his sister, and then it’d get to their mom… Well, at least he’d be in the clear, but they’d still be angry with him. Would probably disinvite him from the wedding. It was a saddening thought, but it’d be well deserved, he supposed.

“Us loner’s have to stick together.” Troy continued, smiling faintly, almost secretly. There was something unnerving about it, and Nick found himself a tad intrigued, gazing at him a little more closely... Huh, maybe they weren’t such a normal family, after all.

Nick felt a smile curling his lips unbidden, and he nodded with a quiet, short laugh.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Does this look good?” Gloria asked. Nick looked her over as she came out of the bathroom and tried not to press his lips together, so obviously displeased. Though it was quite nice, and _he_ didn’t mind seeing her dressed like that, Alicia very well wouldn’t. Nor would his mother.  For a panicked moment, he contemplated on whether or not he should ask if she had anything else, but he knew how she’d react. Would probably use that dangerous tone, _you don’t like it?_ And then she’d make a big deal out of nothing and leave for a week.

Well, maybe…

“Yeah. Sexy. Did you have other things to try on?” He questioned, innocently.

“You don’t like it?” Gloria put a hand on her hip, raising an eyebrow. She opened her mouth –

“ _No_ – I love it. You know you look great. Just options, you know. I thought most girls did that shit.”

“When am I _most girls_?”

“We’re getting off track, here.” Nick said calmly. “Forget it. I was just wondering. You look amazing.”

Plan failed, he stood and made his way over to her, hugging her to his chest, “You ready?”

“Just gotta find my shoes.” She pecked him on the lips and wandered away, humming to herself as she scanned the floors and underneath the couches. When they weren’t in the living room, she left throughout the hall, making her way to the kitchen. Nick sat back down and stretched his legs out, eyeing his pants. They were a bit too long, just like his jacket was too big, but they were still as nice as they’d been when he’d went to Alicia’s engagement dinner celebration. He was lucky Calvin put up with his requests so often.

The months seemed to fly by, and today was the _day_ … He could barely wrap his head around it, and when he tried, he either wanted to smile till his lips felt numb or cry. _Alicia_! His _little_ _sister_! Getting _married_! He felt old, even though she was still quite young, and he was only a couple years older than her. But _Jesus_ … He could remember the first time she’d toddled over to him, clumsy legs wobbling and with an open ‘o’ for a mouth, reaching and reaching until he’d grabbed her so she could collapse against him. He could remember trying to teach her how to ride a bike, unwisely instructing her to go down a too-steep hill, saying _It’ll make it easier_ , and even though she’d been _scared_ , she’d trusted him enough to do it, resulting in a broken wrist and scraped up arms and legs. And he could remember the first time he’d gotten her drunk, when he’d been seventeen and his mother and Travis had left for a Hawaii vacation, leaving him to watch over the house. She’d invited a few of her friends and, for possibly the first time in his life, he’d behaved like a responsible adult, as sober as could be as the Freshmen’s got trashed, eventually passing out all over the living room.

And here she was now, twenty and getting married, soon moving on a _ranch._ His little sister. How did everything come this far?

“Found them!” Gloria shouted. Nick blinked himself out of his almost-melancholy thoughts and stood, wiping his palms on his pants. Soon she was coming – no, _strutting_ – down the hall towards him, wearing a devious smile. Her short dress clung to every bit of her, reaching down to her wrists and low-necked, and he could only watch, utterly whipped. When she reached him, she pulled him down for a lingering kiss bitter with the taste of pills.

When she pushed one into his mouth with her tongue, he swallowed it dry, and pulled away.

“You ready now?” He asked, feeling it drag down his throat.

“I think we might be a little late.” Gloria said. “And I got a few more of those, if you need one.”

“These things always start a little late anyways.” He shrugged and slipped her hand in his, leading her down the narrow hall. “You okay to drive?”

“I only took two, it’ll be fine.”

*

It’s pretty crowded when they arrive, so it takes a minute to find a decent parking space. Nick looks in the side view mirror through the open window, and tries to pat down his hair. It looks a little weird, so he messes it up again.

“Who you trying to look pretty for?” Gloria asked, pulling into the slot slowly, only barely managing to fit the car in between the two pick-up trucks on either side of them.

“My mom.” He said, smiling at himself. Teeth all clean, but his eyes… his pupils barely showed. Fuck it, what did she really expect?

“I don’t think she likes me.” Gloria commented, for probably the hundredth time. Nick unconsciously glanced at her dress, and shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it, she’s just like that.” He shrugged, and that was true. His mother had rarely ever liked any of his girlfriends, Gloria’s situation wasn’t new.

“I’m not. I was just saying.” She smirked. “You ready to see your baby sister get married?”

“I’m really not.” He said seriously, but still he opened the door, making sure to be careful not to scratch the dark red truck on his side. It was a trial, but soon he and Gloria had successfully left the car, the trucks undamaged except for a small, barely noticeable scrape, courtesy of an impatient Gloria. Nick pulled her into his side as they laughed amongst themselves, walking across the white pavement, and entering the venue.

The space was very comfortable, and glowed very warmly. The windows let in the early-evening light, and the walls emitted a pleasant cool brown. Alicia had been telling the truth, to his surprise, he had been expecting something a little fancier. But everything was open, and the people strolling around were laughing honestly, wearing genuine smiles and joking around. There were people he didn’t know, who must’ve been in relation to Jake’s side of the family. But Nick could see a few of his family members, some from his dad’s side, and some from his mom’s, all who he hadn’t spoken to in-depth for years. There were some younger people he didn’t know, who he supposed must be the friends of the two and he caught a glimpse of Chris talking to his dad, standing next to Liza.

“Oh my god, your mom’s like, running –“ Gloria started, and Nick glanced up, and yeah, there his mom was, looking angry and marching right up to him.

“We’ve been waiting for you.” She told him in a furious murmur. She barely looked in Gloria’s direction, only giving the dress an exasperated blink. She fixed Nick with an evil eye. “Did you forget?”

“Forget?” He looked around, confused. “I’m here?”

“You’re supposed to walk your sister down the aisle.” Madison hissed, grabbing his arm. He was yanked away from his girlfriend, and he sent her an apologetic look, waving towards the seats. “I can’t _believe_ you forgot.”

He frowned, sarcastic, “What, Travis –“

She sent him a sharp look, “Are you really going to finish that sentence?”

“Well, I’m not now…” Nick muttered, letting her lead him away. Well, it wasn’t his fault Alicia had cozied up alongside Travis the past few years, he was her new _father_ , for all she acted like it sometimes.

“Are you high right now?” The question was abrupt, but he’d been expecting it. He sighed.

“Mom…”

Her laugh was breathy and bitter. “Right.”

When they reached a door, she turned to him, stern and more than a little cold. He gave her a bland stare in return. “Don’t… Don’t ruin this day, Nick. This is her wedding. One of the happiest days of her life, and for god’s sake, don’t let her find out you showed up like this.”

“I’m sorry.” He said, but she was already turning away, and yeah, they must’ve been more than a little late, because soon he could hear the beginnings of the wedding song, and Alicia was stepping out of the doorway, their mother behind her.

Her six years old and playing in the mud invades his mind as he looks at the woman standing in front of him, and embarrassingly, he can feel his eyes get a little wet. Her dress is long and slim and ivory, with lace covering her chest and arms. She’s done her hair up in a low, elegant bun and her makeup is simple, the dark lipstick making everything that much more pronounced. Right in this moment, she’s probably the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and he automatically sweeps her into a hug.

“I can’t believe you’re not little anymore.” He says when he pulls away, looking down at her.

“We all have to grow up sometime.” She sends a careful look as she says this, and he resists the urge to make himself smaller. “You’re late.”

“I’m sorry. Gloria was getting ready.”

“Go, guys.” Their mom shooed, hurrying them along. Nick slipped an arm through his sister’s, and straightened his spine. He feels calm, and slightly floaty as he walks with her, but it’s overshadowed by the extreme sadness wanting to weigh him down.

“Are you ready for this?” He asks as they get closer to the doors.

“My stomach feels like it’s going to explode.” Alicia answered truthfully. “But yeah. I think I am.”

“Jake’s one lucky guy.” Nick said, glancing down at her. “Just listen, if there’s ever any problems… you can always come to me.”

She chewed on the inside of her cheek, sending him a quick peep.

“Like, if you ever need someone to kick his ass, I totally will.”

She snorted, then covered her mouth. They walked over the threshold, and he could feel the eyes, but he continued to give Alicia his attention.

“Seriously. I’ll hand him his shit.”

“Oh my god, stop.” She laughed again, giddily, glancing up at him. “He could totally take you.”

Nick scoffed, “Fuck off.”

“Thanks for being here.” She said quietly, as she focused in front of her. She was staring at Jake, who was looking back with a smile as big as hers.

“You don’t have to thank me, Alicia.” He muttered, blinking away the sting in his eyes. After a few moments they finally reached the steps, and before he let her go, he kissed her forehead. “Proud of you.”

The look she sent him full of blinking innocence had him wanting to hug her again, to just… show that he was there for once, but he resisted, and stepped back with an even smile.

As the ceremony begins, he glances around for Gloria, and finds her next to an empty seat, his mom on the other side. He makes his way over to them and sits, threading his fingers through Gloria’s.

*

Five hours later and he is very, _very_ smashed.

He’s so drunk he can barely stand without wobbling, and somehow, he’d lost Gloria in all the activity. Right now, it’s hard to remember anything that didn’t happen in the last hour, not including the actual marriage vows and promises and what not. How many shots had he taken? He didn’t know, he’d lost count around the eighth.

He trails along the wall, trying to find her, but it’s a bit harder said than done. Too many blonds, too many colors, too many people in general. His stomach feels so light that it seems like it’ll float out of his mouth, and his mind is a fog of dancing and music and laughter. Everything spins as he drags his feet, until he suddenly gives up, and collapses into a chair.

For a while he watches Alicia and her new husband dance, unconsciously smiling as he watches her laugh, and him stumble over his feet. It’s incredibly cute, and it really does seem like a perfect match. He hadn't had one conversation with the older man, but he seemed like an alright guy, from what he'd seen. It sends warmth all throughout him, imagining a day where maybe he and Gloria can be the ones making vows. They'd already agreed that they were perfect as they were now, but later...  Eventually he climbs to his feet again, needing to take a piss. He can’t remember for the life of him where the bathroom is, so he leaves through the front door and pees in one of the bushes.

He stays out there for some time, enjoying the cool breeze on his face, and without meaning to or even really thinking about it, he’s lying flat on his back, looking up into the sky. The world is twirling, but he doesn’t feel sick, and everything is quiet and peaceful and beautiful and that must be why he passes out, because before he knows it, he’s feeling a persistent nudge at his shoulder, and his eyes are closed.

“Hnngh.” He said, turning onto his side. He pressed the side of his face into the slightly scratchy pillow, and curls into himself.

“Get up.” Another nudge. “Your mom’s looking for you.”

Nick hummed in his blurry like sleep, waving a hand to get the person to go away. He’d deal with her later.

“Hey.” The person kicked him, _hard_ , and Nick groaned, rolling onto his back once more. He opens his eyes and squints up, but the mystery-kicker is all shadows.

“Who’re you?” He slurred, still lying down.

“Troy. The brother.” A hand reaches down, and Nick stares at it uncomprehendingly. Troy, the brother of whoever, sighs and reaches out both hands. “Sit up, will you?”

He does, with a bit of struggle; his back hurts from lying on the ground, and the world around them is spinning at a speed he can’t keep up with. Troy grabs his hands and pulls him to his feet, and wow – he bends over and pukes in the grass next to guys polished shoes. Who ever said he wasn't considerate?

“Well, that’s gross.”

After thirty more seconds of retching, Nick straightens, putting a hand to his belly.

“I think I’m good now.” He said, needing water to rinse his mouth out. He coughs. “Wait – I have to piss.”

He wanders over to the familiar bush and tries to draw a circle on the branches and leaves, laughing to himself when it gets on the outer wall. It takes longer than any pee he’s ever taken, but after it’s over, he feels like a whole new man. Ready to get the night started again.

Then he turns around, and now he can make out the persons features, illuminated from the entrance lights.

“Oh, you! The brother.” Nick ahhhed and made his way over to him. Troy stood uncertain, before he raised his eyebrows.

“I said that.” He said. “And you’re the brother also.”

“That I am.” For a few moments they were silent, until Nick suddenly remembered. “So is it over?”

“Your mom was looking for you. I think your girlfriend passed out in the bathroom.”

“Oh, fuck.” Nick meant to hurry forward, before he stumbled, and the other man whipped out an arm to grab his waist. “Sorry, sorry, too drunk, I think.”

“You think?” Troy muttered.

“Mom’s gonna be so mad.” He blurted, trying to keep his feet straight as they walked to the door. “But it’s a wedding. People get drunk at wedding’s all the time.”

“You can barely walk.” Troy pointed out.

“You’re not helping.” Nick told him, waving his comment away. “Hmm, just… just get me to Glo and we’ll leave. I’ll call my mom later.”

“Glo?”

“Girlfriend.” He said, “Can you help me find her?”

“I think she’s already with your mom.” Troy said, almost sounding apologetic. “And you can’t drive like this. It’s kind of illegal.”

“Lots of shit’s illegal, people still do it.” Nick cursed to himself and walked with Troy through the entry, and it must’ve been later then he thought, because a lot of people had left. The place was a bit messy, and Alicia and the groom weren’t there anymore. It was only Travis and his family, plus his mother and Troy’s father.

And Gloria, sitting on a chair, face drawn and skin pale.

“Where have you been?” Madison asked, as soon as she caught eyes on him. Then she looked at the person next to him, supporting most of his weight. “I am so sorry, Troy. I didn’t know he’d be like this…”

Nick dropped down next to Glo, leaning back when she rested her head on his shoulder. When his mother continued to stare at him, he dared to ask, casually, “What?”

“Can we go home?” Gloria asked sleepily, sounding nauseous “I’m tired.”

“I can drive them.” Travis said, stepping away from his son. “They’re in no state…”

“I don’t want _you_ to drive us.” Nick said, glaring through narrowed eyes.

“Not everything’s about what you want.” His mom snapped. She turned to Travis. “Can you, please?”

“What about my car?” Gloria muttered, eyelids fluttering. She seemed to be half dozing, her head tucked into his neck.

“Chris, do you mind following us with it? You can just stay at our place tonight.” Though he looked annoyed, Chris nodded, sharing a look with his mom.

“Where’re the keys?” Travis asked, patient and kind, and god… why was he so _nice_ all the time. Didn’t he hate Nick? For all of the things he did and said and put him and his wife through? Nick frowned to himself and patted his pockets, coming up with nothing.

“I…” Suddenly struck with a thought, he reached out a hand to feel along Gloria’s chest, feeling the sharp edges he’d been looking for. Reaching into the top of her dress had someone burst out laughing, and Glo giggled along, but he just pulled out the keys and tossed them to Chris, who let them hit his chest and drop to the floor.

It was the old man – Jeremiah – who’d laughed, and though Troy himself looked a little amused and shocked, everyone else was displeased. His mom’s lips were so twisted it looked like she’d just drunk straight lemon juice, and Chris’s mom was no better.

“They’re tits, get over it. The both of you have em.” Nick said, rolling his eyes.

Madison only breathed out a short, disbelieving laugh, wiping at her mouth roughly, before she turned away, walking determinedly.

“I’ll get her.” Travis finally said, nodding to Gloria. He came forward as Nick gave him a cold stare, lifting her up by the armpits. As she was pulled up, Nick absentmindedly tugged her dress down as he continued to watch Travis. A part of him wanted to say something really shitty, but he knew it was the alcohol talking. Usually he could keep a cool head whenever he had to deal with the man, but there were moments his generosity really rubbed raw. Even still, he needed the help. Nick could barely carry _himself_.

“Can you stand?” He asked now, Gloria standing weakly next to him.

“I have legs, don’t I?” To prove his point, Nick stood. His head rushed a little, and he kind of wobbled, but he managed to keep his cool.

As he carefully followed Travis, Nick patted Troy’s shoulder as he passed.

“Thanks for the help man, I owe you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is an angsty one, but I hope its enjoyable anyways!

The holiday spirit is lost on Nick as he lays in bed, bundled up in two thick quilts even though sweat beads along his forehead and sticks his bare legs together. The afternoon calls for a hotter than normal day, and there is none of that fabled snow that people usually associate with Christmas. Nick wants to press himself further into the mattress, and he wants today not to be the day that it is.

He closes his aching eyes again and sighs into the pillow, before throwing the blanket over his face to keep out the light. His mind is exhausted enough that sleep comes easily.

*

“Nick, baby.” His mom shakes his shoulder gently, and he flipped around, putting his back to her. “Gotta get up. I let you sleep for a while now.”

“Little longer,” He mumbled.

“Our guests are here. Dinner’s almost done.”

Now that she said it, he could smell it. The glazed turkey and fresh biscuits, and everything else that made his stomach turn.

“C’mon. Put your pants on.” She rubbed his shoulder and stood. “I’ve got your medicine in the kitchen.”

Once she left, he lay there for a few moments, before ultimately deciding to pull himself out of bed at the promise of his medicine. Nick scanned the floor and picked up the first item of clothing he could see; a stained pair of grey sweats. He slipped them on still sitting, lifting his hips awkwardly, before he stood on shaky legs. As he left his room, he pulled on a heavy cardigan to cover the scars dotting the inside of his elbows and forearms.

In the hall, the scent of Christmas dinner was stronger, and he wrinkled his nose at the overwhelming richness. To make his way into the kitchen he had to pass the living room, which held a small gathering. Jeremiah Otto was drinking a beer and sitting on the couch, Jake next to him, the both of them watching Polar Express; Nick knew the sound of that train anywhere. Troy was there as well, but he was writing in a yellow paged journal, not paying attention to any of his surroundings.

“Nick!” Alicia caught sight of him before he’d caught a glimpse of her, and she quickly walked from where she’d been standing by the mantel. He waited until she reached him, momentarily startled when she wrapped her arms around his waist. She pulled away, hands still resting on his back, and asked, “How are you?”

Wordless, he shrugged. _Gloria’s dead, and I can’t get her pale face out of my head. I see her blank, wide eyes staring at the ceiling every time I close my own, and whenever I turn to say something, she isn’t there to listen to it._ This time, his stint in rehab had only lasted a little over a month, and they’d let him out two days before Christmas. Probably thought he was a lost cause, by now, with the amount of times he’d walked through their front doors. And they were right, he was as lost as could be.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” She said, eyes oozing compassion. Alicia gave him one final squeeze before stepping back. “I got you something.”

“Oh – Licia, you didn’t have to… I didn’t…” His voice exhausted, he waved a hand and shook his head.

“That’s okay.” She said, sounding like she meant it. _Huh_. In the past she would’ve either gotten angry or hurt, but it seemed his girlfriend dying was enough to let him off the hook. He rubbed at his forehead and stepped back a few paces, turning his body.

“Mom’s got my medicine. I’ll talk to you later.” He nodded, not looking at her, and found his way to the kitchen. His mother was buttering the biscuits and Travis was stirring a large bowl of mashed potatoes, but Nick only had eyes for the two pills lying on the counter, a glass of orange juice sitting next to it. He sat in a chair and swallowed them down, drinking most of the juice to ease the tightness of his sore throat.

As his mom finished, she passed him to get to the fridge, and ran a hand over his hair, “Travis made pie.”

Nick glanced at the mentioned man, who avoided his eyes, “Okay?”

“Cherry.” She said, her back to him as she rummaged through the fridge.

“Oh, um…” His face gave a funny spasm, unsure with how to react. It was his favorite and no one else liked it, so the man had obviously made it just for him. Angrily, he pushes back on the warmth wanting to envelop his chest, hating that it’s _Travis_ , of all people, making him feel this way. “…thanks.”

“Alicia’ll be mad, she hates fruit in desert.” Madison continued, voice full of false cheer. He wonders if she thought she was making it better by acting like this, like everything was fine and good and today was normal, and their family was normal, but maybe she wasn’t doing it for him, on second thought. They _did_ have guests, for probably the first time in years, if one didn’t count the occasional appearance of Chris and Liza. His mother had always liked to put up a front, desperate for people to see them as something they weren’t.

“We got ice cream.” Travis reminded, setting down his spoon. He pushed the bowl away and leaned back against the counter, hands splayed. “And I think we still have some of that chocolate cake left…”

As he wandered over to the pantry, Nick stood again. “I’m going to wash my face.”

“ _And_ brush your teeth.”

Nick nodded at his mom and walked to the bathroom, passing the living room once again. As he did, he caught the eyes of Troy who had looked up at that exact moment, and the other man inclined his head briefly, eyes scrutinizing. Like their first meeting, there was something entirely too intent about it, but this time it made him feel uncomfortable. Unsettled, Nick broke his gaze and hurried along.

Finally in front of the sink, he took the first look at himself in what could’ve been weeks. It was a truly horrendous sight, and it almost made him smile. His hair was an absolute mess, fucked from all of the rolling around he’d done in bed, and the previous days lack of care. His skin seemed paler than it’d ever been, reminding him of – _no_ , he wouldn’t think of her, he _couldn’t_ think about her – and he could see the blue veins in his forehead. Looking into his eyes, the white part was shot through with red, giving off the impression of being high, maybe, but really being from all the crying he’d done last night. The thin skin surrounding his eyes was a bit swollen, and his eyelids felt heavier as he looked at the warm pink of them.

He honestly looked terrible. How had his mom and Travis dealt with him these past couple days? How had Alicia hugged him, without widening her eyes in disgust? It was a question that would never be answered, and he got to his business, taking a quick piss and then washing his face. It made a little more color come to his cheeks, but he still looked frail and sick. It was an easy thing to ignore, though, if he stared at the wall instead. And so that was how he brushed his teeth; gazing determinedly at the plaster.

Afterwards, he sits on the floor, against the door, wiping his hands down his face. He wanted to go back to bed, wanted to sleep till next year, and then maybe he’d feel better, like a newer person. He just needed some _rest_. He didn’t even feel like shooting up his veins, because if he did, he’d think of Gloria. Her hands, her laugh, her kind eyes, her lying on the floor, vomit trailing from the corners of her lips. And he wouldn’t be able to pull himself back from that, and he’d be stuck in an endless cycle of Gloria, remembering her words and her _I love you’s_ , the way she read over his shoulder when he found a book that he liked, the way she’d snort when he said something especially cheesy, slapping a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound. Remembering her with cold skin and glassy eyes and blue lips.

Warmness trails down his face as he thinks about her. It happens like this a lot; he’ll get lost in his mind and his eyes will do their own thing, leaking and leaking and sometimes it’ll go on for hours. He sits like that for some time, until there’s a knock at the door.

“Nick?” Alicia, concerned. He sighs quietly and stands, wiping his face with a sleeve.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“I’m coming out, hold on.” Nick hurriedly splashes some water on his face, just to make it seem like he was doing _something_. He opens the door and makes a smile appear on his face, and god, it must be as horrible as he feels, because his sister winces.

“Jake and I are going to ride out to the store.” She said, thankfully ignoring what’d just happened. “Mom needs paprika. Do you want to come?”

Nick shook his head. Leaving the house sounded like the last thing he wanted.

“Okay.” She opened her mouth, before abruptly snapping it shut again. Clearing her throat, she asked, “Are you sure? You can sit in the car if you want.”

“It’s cool, I just want to stay here.”

“Alright… well, do you want anything while we’re there?”

Nick shook his head and finally took a step over the threshold. They walked side-by-side in silence as they reached the opening to the living room. Jake was standing there, waiting, and Nick could hear Jerimiah in the kitchen, laughing at something Travis had said.

Jake took one look at him and shifted his gaze to a point over his shoulder, and he said, awkwardly, “I’m, uh… I’m sorry for your loss.”

And there wasn’t really a proper response to that, because it wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t fine. He couldn’t just ignore him either, not with the way Alicia was looking at him, so he just nodded.

“C’mon, mom needs it quick.” Alicia tugged on her husband’s arm, and they traipsed to the front door. For a moment, Nick shifted uselessly, unsure if he wanted to go into the kitchen or the living room. Being around three joyous people held little to no appeal, but sitting with Troy sounded somehow worse. The look that the other had subjected him to made him feel pinned and kind of scared. And it was a bit odd, because Nick wasn’t used to feeling shame or… uncomfortable, so this was a whole new experience.

But he didn’t want to be around his mother right now, the person who had hated Gloria with all of her heart, and he didn’t want to be around Travis, who made him feel guilty for hating him, so he stiffened his shoulders and found himself walking into the living room, staring at Troy defensively.

The other looked up at his approach, and raised his eyebrows at the glare he was receiving.

“What?” Nick snapped, even though Troy hadn’t done anything.

“You came for the good part.” He commented, glancing at the television. “The girl just lost her ticket.”

“Huh.” Nick followed his gaze; the main character was chasing after the lost ticket, desperate to return it. He watched as it went out of the window before glancing back at Troy. His journal was tucked into his pocket, and his arms were folded, Nick waited for a pitying look, for an _I’m sorry for your loss_ , but it never came. Troy just smirked as the main boy went outside, still chasing the ticket.

“He’d obviously fall and die.” Troy said, shaking his head. He laughed to himself. “What an idiot.”

“It’s a cartoon.”

“Horribly unrealistic too.”

“Hey now.” Nick said, frowning. “This movie is a masterpiece.”

Troy shot him a doubtful look, “It’s about _Santa.”_

“It’s about _faith_.” Nick corrected. “Kids need this sorta stuff. It keeps their hope alive.”

“For the unattainable?” Troy nodded mock-seriously. “I’m sure they appreciated the false hope when they realized life doesn’t happen like this. Ever.”

“It’s a cartoon.” Nick repeated.

“A shitty one.” Despite his words, there was a grin stretching from ear to ear. Nick just sighed, and they sat like that for the next twenty minutes or so, watching the movie with an occasional scoff from Troy. Even though this was his favorite childhood movie, he found that he didn’t mind Troy being such an ass about it. It was a little amusing, and with each minute that passed, Nick got steadily more relaxed when there was no mention of Gloria, no side looks filled with unspoken words. It was a relief he hadn’t known he’d needed; for someone to act normal around him.

By the time Alicia got back, Nick was unknowingly smiling faintly, still hearing Troys, “ _What a load of_ bullshit _! You can’t actually like this!?_ ” After visiting the kitchen, Alicia came skipping to where they sat, dropping something in Nick’s lap.

“Oh, thanks.” He said, picking up the bag of skittles.

“Where’s mine?” Troy asked.

“Still at the store.” She said, sticking her tongue out. She left as soon as she’d come, just in time for their mothers call that dinner was officially done.

*

Despite how the day had started, it didn’t end that way too. Though he didn’t eat much, Nick was content to sit in his chair and listen to the conversation around him. No one spoke a word of loss or _I’m sorry_ , or anything to do with Gloria. He was aware of the few looks he received, but surprisingly, they were easy to ignore from his spot next to Troy, who ate half of the cherry pie with exaggerated pleasure. Nick ate a slice too, when Troy held out the tray to him, and afterwards he even thanked Travis, who smiled at him widely.

He still thought about Gloria, but he didn’t find himself crying over the dinner table, thankfully. This was the first time he was remembering without losing his shit, however calmly he could now do it, and it made him feel both relieved and ashamed of himself. He shouldn’t feel okay when she wasn’t alive and breathing and _being_ , but at the moment, he was fine, and he just wished, with longing, that she was there too. Enjoying the food, wrinkling her nose at his cherry pie, and holding his hand under the table. Tomorrow he might be back to feeling like the world was ending, but right now, everything was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think, anything is welcome.


End file.
